Excerpts from the Book: Put a Period to IT: When Divorce is THE Option with the Question: is It Real

Excerpts from the book: "Put a Period to IT: When Divorce is THE Option" available July 31, 2009 on Amazon.com (reprinted by permission of the Author, Helen L. Horvath, MA, PsyD (Cand)).

Chapter 11The Affair "Affairs have existed throughout history and across cultures. The idea of ‘monogamy’ is a Western construct signifying the gold standard for intimate relationships. Unlike the affair, monogamy is valued as something that we should reach for and attain. Many adults struggle throughout their life to remain faithful to their spouse. It is as if they are children in a candy store. Their eyes see so many treats, but their stomachs can only hold so much. Similarly, with so much human ‘eye candy’ available, some people continually struggle to remain monogamous.

If you suspect your spouse is having an affair; discuss the issue with your spouse. Know that your spouse may not tell you the truth of the affair. He or she must be ready for the discussion and all the discussion entails psychologically and emotionally. Your spouse may lie until faced with evidence of the affair. Even when faced with evidence, your spouse may continue to deny. This is known in the psychology field as impression management – the process through which people try to control the impressions others form of them through the regulation and control of information in a social interaction. It is also a form of self-protection.

The question is to what extend will you go in order to prove the fact that your spouse is a ‘cheater’? Are you willing to prove a point in order to have power? Or are you simply seeking to clarify your relationship? The motivation for the answer is just as critical as the question. It speaks to your relationship dynamic. If your marriage is unhappy; there is a huge possibility that your gut instinct may be correct – or not. Only your spouse will know the entire truth. Your spouse may want to protect his or her external relationship while sparing your feelings. Affairs ARE a symptom of the problems in a relationship.

I recently watched a television news magazine where a well known therapist stated that if you suspect cheating you should rift through your spouse’s emails, mail, and ‘stick a GPS [tracker] on his car’(amongst other things)[paraphrased]. The advice has a basis in proving that cheating exists in the relationship; yet, there is another point of view. Do you really need to prove something is going on at this stage of your relationship? If you are contemplating divorce, is this the route you want to take? Know that in the court system, this type of behavior can be viewed negatively; especially if the marriage ends in divorce and there is abuse in the relationship. If the behavior continues it could be construed as civil harassment or stalking when viewed by the court systems. This again goes back to the issues of abuse and control in a relationship. Is this your relationship style?

Is it really worth the stress of constantly spying on your spouse to prove something is wrong in the relationship; something you already know? Is it worth creating chaos to validate a point that you believe is true? If your spouse is having an affair, is he/she a ‘cheater’? Or is your spouse attempting to have his/her emotional needs met; needs that are not being met at home? Remember sex is just an extension of the emotional needs continuum. Maybe your spouse has left the marital relationship emotionally years ago and is in a ‘status quo’ position. Only you can know the truth of your marriage."

Question: Is it really cheating? Or is the person in the affair simply trying to redefine their life? If the marriage is bad, then sometimes putting a period to the relationship is what it will take to have a happy life. What do you think?