People ask us why our kids are so well-behaved, and we usually start by telling them this part of our parenting style (there are many other components, of course, to raising great kids).

My wife and I do not punish our children. We both grew up with punishment, as did most of our friends. Punishment causes resentment, anger, and defiance. Worse yet, it doesn't work. It may have some short-term effects that are desirable for the parent, but these effects are temporary.

Only by reinforcing a child's good behavior can you expect him or her to learn deeply the benefits of appropriate behavior. That means no grounding, no yelling, no spanking, and no demeaning lectures. What it does mean is verbal praise, hugs and pats on the back, and maybe even money when you want to reinforce (Remember that bribing is saying, "If you do X, then I'll give you Y." Reinforcing is saying, "Thank you for doing X. Here's some Y.").

When a child is behaving inappropriately, ignore the behavior whenever possible. Any response from you, good or bad, will reinforce the behavior. The more consistent you are, the more effective you'll be. Only in matters of health and safety should you intervene, and it should only be an intervention (not a punishment).

The natural emotional reaction to bad behavior is to punish. It feels instinctual, like you can't control it. We felt this way too when first starting out as parents (and still do sometimes). It's totally normal, and there's nothing wrong with you. Just trust your intellect over your emotions in this situation, stay consistent, and good habits will form. It takes time, patience, and persistence, but it can be done. You can have well-behaved children without punishing them.