Separation and divorce are very difficult topics to move through.  Sometimes it is very hard to see the "flowers from the trees"; everything is pretty hazy as you learn to adjust and accept the changes that are going on in your life.  Yet, what happens when you cannot put a period to the primary relationship? 

I recently met an individual whose spouse wanted to leave the relationship.  They had separated several times and then decided to date for a six month period of time.  His spouse eventually moved back into the home.  He was unhappy in the relationship; not ready to recommit.  Two days before he met me; she told him that the relationship was "DONE, DONE, DONE" three days in a row and two days after I met him.  It was at this point that he began promising her a baby/family, a "new" life, and other things.  She continued to say "done"; "finished"; no more.  He began to ardently pursue his wife.  Twelve years in an unhealthy relationship can develop and sustain some pretty unhealthy communications styles - especially with a spouse who has a mental health illness.  Ironically during their first separation period he met someone who he "dated" a few times.  She still text messages him; he said she is not his girlfriend - yet, she sends him kisses on Valentines Day.  He has a "back up" plan. 

Did he want her truly?  No.  He admitted that he liked the IDEA of having her at home when he got back from business trips or from a night out with his friends.  Yet, to stay in his comfort zone he went to extraordinary lengths to manipulate her to stay.  He called her mother and spoke to her about her daughter (huge mistake).  He "suggested" to his mother in law that she "talk some sense" into her daughter.    He spent a great deal of time speaking about his potential divorce to his prospective business clients; contractors; and even me a stranger.  He gave so much power to "it" that "it" became the focus.  The "it" in this case was to get back into an admittedly unhealthy relationship; a relationship that he admitted he did not want.  I suggested that he put a period to it and walk away.   

When a relationship ends; it is the most painful situation one can experience next to death.  The grief and sense of loss can be overwhelming at times; yet, as with a death in our lives we move on.  When a relationship ends, many people spend days, weeks, months wondering what went wrong.  Others spend a great deal of time manipulating their former partner into situations that are unhealthy.  Why manipulate?  Why play games?  Why not simply walk away?  If "it" is meant to be; "it" will be without any game playing or manipulation. 

If you are suffering through a relationship break up; do not give so much power to "it".  When you spend all of your time in a tailspin over a broken relationship; you often miss the very opportunities that are before you.  When one door closes another one always opens.  You have to be ready to walk through the next door.  Each relationship you have in your life is there for a purpose; a lesson or for support.  Do not cry in your "soup"; rather be proud of the fact that you did all you could do to maintain a healthy relationship.  More often than not, by putting a period to the relationship your world will open up to a life that is pretty amazing.  Separation and divorce are not easy, especially if you have children.  Yet, often in the separation or divorce you will find that "something" that will bring you the peace, love, and happiness that is missing in your current relationship.